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Yutaki James

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Design: doughnutcrazy
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Ok, this is probably a random post but I was kinda worried about my friend. Well, I only knew her through online and we talk (like call conversations) over the msn. I'm definitely not someone that she confides in with her innermost feelings.

But, she's definitely someone I care about.

It's good to know that I still have a knack to sense that something is wrong with someone. Well, I didn't probe but you know, sometimes you know there's something wrong with your friend. But, if that person doesn't talk to you about it. You know not to pry.

Sometimes, its just being around your friends that matter. Let them know that we'll be there when you need them. But sometimes its unnecessary to ask about what happen. If the person doesn't want to talk about it, then you shouldn't ask, isn't it?

Or rather, maybe the person doesn't want to talk to you about it. Touche.

But, sometimes I get frustrated. Do we need to demand for attention?

Do we?

What if we don't have anyone to talk about it to?

What do we do?

What if we're too prideful to talk to anyone at all?

What if the one person that you want to be there for you, is not there when you need them?

What will happen?

Do you feel that the person is not your friend anymore?

Because she/he was not that for you at that moment?

Because in a way its a betrayal of trust. Don't you think so? You trust someone to be your friend, to be your confidant in times of darkness. Under what circumstances will you bring yourself to forgive your friend? Or rather, your so call friend, since she/he was not there for you anymore. -Scoff-

On the other hand, maybe your friend thought differently. Maybe your friend thought that you could handle it, maybe your friend thinks that you're strong, capable and mature enough to think about what to do. The trust she/he puts in your hands may cause their friendship? Is that what this is about?

Honestly, what is friendship? What are friends?

I'm not confuse if that's what you're thinking.

I'm not. Because I feel as if I've done my job as a friend. I try my best to be there for my friends. Keyword here is try. I cannot promise you that I'll be there every step of the way in your life. Because I'm giving you the trust and responsibility of guiding yourself through the path that you might be scared to take on.

But you need to know that sometimes we friends, do some pushing in your life. We push you to take on things you might not want to do. We, friends say things that you might not want to listen. We, friends might joke about things but you need to know that we don't mean it. But, if we're friends, you'll tell me what you're unhappy about instead of brooding at one side.

If I need to slap you to wake you up, I will. But only if I know it will work. If its hopeless, I won't do it because it will in turn jeopardize our friendship.

If you're delusional about something, I will make sure you snap out of it. Again, only if it works. If you don't want to listen to the words I don't want to hear, guess what, you'll hear it anyway. If I think you deserve it.

But have you ever stop to think that, thinking and saying all these things, will you actually do it? I'm starting to think, maybe I'm getting tired of all these. Tired of being there for my friends. Have you ever felt sick and tired of waiting upon your friends all the time?

We are like the emotional maids. Instead of cleaning up after your dinner or washing your clothes, you clean up your friend's tears, the mess of what ever they've done or being there to shelter them from the impact of the fall by being below them.

So, I ask you again, have you felt sick and tired of it? -scoff- sometimes I feel sick of it. Honestly, I do. But, sometimes its the call of duty. An obligation instead of a desire. After a while, it gets sickening.

And if you're not the troublesome type, the type who doesn't confide in others, don't you feel that you're the only one giving into the friendship? You're the one helping? And your friends are the one that gives you the issues that you have to listen or solve for them?

But, I think at the end of the day, if you're best friends, if you're really really best friends, you'll know when to give your friends breathing space, when to invade that space of theirs and know their innermost fears and anything else.

I know, now we sound like angels that can read people's mind. Hahas. We human are a of a complex nature. I didn't say a friendship was easy. Nobody said it was. It works both ways. The giving and the taking.

I might take some time off the friendship to blog about it, (like now), but that doesn't mean I'll stop being your friends just because you feel a slight pang that I'm talking about you.

I'll still be there.

But, I choose whom I confide in. If you confide in me, that doesn't mean I'll confide in you. However, I'll know that when I need you the most, I'll go to you.

Some problems need to be confided in different group of people because:
1. You either want to hear this set of loving encouraging words.
2. Or you want to hear the harsh truth of it (which is not the case most of the time)
3. Or you want to bitch about your problem.
4. Or you want true practical advises.

Either way, do not be insulted if I don't tell you my problems. If it makes you feel better, I hardly tell anyone any of my problems.

But there are some people where I just don't tell anything at all, and you still talk to me about your problems. Sometimes, you'll feel quite different reaction to all the problems you listen to:
1. You're irritated at that person. (because you feel that its silly, stupid, impractical and immature)
2. You're irritated (because you don't even want to listen in the first place) so wait, why are you my friend again?
3. You feel honoured (because the person confides in you shows the the trust and maturity of the friendship)
4. Or you're just neutral in your stand, just listening and filling your time.

Conclusion, what ever you do, or decides to do with your friendship (which is none of my business) I don't care. Just know that if you're very good friends with your friends. Keyword here is good. And good meaning it works both ways, giving and sharing; you do not demand things from them. You may expect or hope for things, but never demand.



A glimpse of life.

p.s.: this is not about what happen that I was depressed about. As I've said, I don't tell much people about my problems, so what makes you think I'll say it here? Depressed and angry are two different things.
p.p.s.: thanks yuanting, jasmine and ellis for your concern. (a bit un-needed though) I'll always pick myself up. But its nice to know that you were there. =)

Credits: DevianArt [photo]